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TODAY'S CHUCKLE click here
by Susan Allen, click here for bio
Program: Today's Chuckle
Date: September 09, 09
Send us your favorite joke! We will select the best jokes and the winner will receive $100.00. The only thing we ask is to keep it clean! Send your joke to Joke@aginfo.net.
Three farmers and three ranchers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three ranchers each buy tickets and watch as the three farmers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a rancher.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a farmer.
They all board the train. The ranchers take their respective seats but all three farmers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The ranchers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the conference the ranchers decide to copy the farmers on the return trip. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the farmers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed rancher.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a farmer.
When they board the train, the three ranchers cram into a restroom and the three farmers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the farmers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the ranchers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." Thanks Jenny
What do you get when you cross 50 female pigs with 50 male deer? $100,000 bucks (100 sows and bucks) Thanks Jennette
_________________
A certain gentelman passing through a farming community stops for lunch at the community diner. Upon being seated and waited on, he asks the waitress what the lunch special is. She replies " cow tongue." Surprised and disgusted the gentelman comments, " how can anyboby eat something that comes out of a cows mouth? " Patiently waiting while the gentelman thought about what to eat for lunch, she asks him, " if you don't want our cow tongue special, what would you like? He ponders for a moment and says, " uhm, no, I think I'll have an egg." 
Amado...funny how people look at things.
Title: 10 REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A DOG
1) No one expects you to take a bath every day.
2) If it itches, you can scratch it.
3) There's no such thing as bad food.
4) A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours.
5) If your hair grows in weird places, no one notices.
6) You can lie around all day without worrying about being fired.
7) You don't get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap.
8) You're always excited to see the same people.
9) Having big feet is considered an asset.
10) Puppy love can last.
TJ, so thats why my Border Collie is always smiling!
Only Rednecks need apply. Does the below seem normal?
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
If YES read on…. if no… Go to the GQ web site as you ain’t gunna get the rest of this stuff.
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
Every Friday a group of farmers met for coffee and to discuss their various farm interest. Old Henry was a pessimist, and never saw any good in any situation. He always was a wet blanket, complaining about prices, insects, too much rain, not enough rain, skimpy crop, etc.
One year, everything was perfect. They were all having a happy time rejoicing about a perfect growing season, a bountiful harvest and great prices. They turned to Old Henry and said "you had a great season too. Nothing went wrong!
Old Henry sadly shook his head and said "Yeah, but a crop like that sure takes a lot out of the soil. Marilyn
A few months ago, President Obama received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . Because Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the guards immediately.
Before the Interior Secretary could respond and presumably straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that before any guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining. Rob
A man died and left his cattle ranch to his three sons equally. When the oldest son wanted to name it after himself, the other two sons objected. They all agreed to call it "The Focus Ranch," because it is where the sun's rays meet (son's raise meat). Submitted by: Charles' Daughter Portland, Oregon
A truck hauling chickens over-turned on the turnpike. Authorities suspect fowl play.
My uncle recently retired from farming. He said it was a harrowing experience. Hank
Hey, Do you know the difference between a farmer and a boeing 747?
The 747 stops whining when it touches down in Honolulu. Chuck
Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
You might be a redneck if...
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
Farmer Jones: Hey, did you hear about the farmer up Colfax way that died drinkin' milk?
Farmer Smith: Oh no, that's terrible.
Farmer Jones: Yeah, the cow fell on him!
Mike of Richland thanks for the joke!
There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors. Afterwards, he told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"
The moral of the story is . . . . . . .
Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.
~My uncle recently retired from farming. He said it was a harrowing experience. Then a truck hauling live chickens tipped over on the turnpike. Police suspect fowl play. Hank Grangeville , ID
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM WYOMING
COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE,
THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER
ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.
HE DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.
HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN,
30 GRANDCHILDREN,
45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
AND
A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
Men are just happier people...... Here's proof
NICKNAMES
1. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
2. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
1. When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
2. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
2. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
1. A man has seven items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, shampoo and a towel...
2. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
1. A woman has the last word in any argument.
2. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
1. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
2. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
2. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
1. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't..
2. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does..
DRESSING UP
1. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
2. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
1. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
2. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
1. Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
2. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Old Farmer's Advice:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around..
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
-- Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, He'll just shoot you.
A father and son are out hunting deer one day... the father deciding to test the his sons knowledge asks him if he knows the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts ? The son thinks about it for a moment but comes up empty, so the father answers, son... beer nuts are a buck and a half and deer nuts are under a buck!
John, thanks for the chuckle. Good analogy.... if only Congress understood what a buck was really worth!!!!!
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
And then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand again and is pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day.”
What's the difference between a pigeon and a farmer with a bad crop? A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new tractor!
Jim
An old dairy farmer from Clackamas County wasn't feeling well so he went to the doctor. Doc told him that he was constipated and needed a stool softener......so the old guy went to WalMart and bought a cushion.
Thank you TJ!!!
A city slicker got tired of city life and decided to move to the country. He thought he'd like to raise cattle so he bought some ranchland. He thought 50 head would be good to start with, so he went and bought 25 cows and 25 bulls.
City slickers might have to think about this one!
Dave and Kat- Pretty funny, keep the jokes comin'
My 7 year old grandson Bo told me this joke and I thought you might like it!
"What do you call a Bull who sleeps?"
A bulldozer !
Thank you Mary- Your grandson is a funny kid!
Did you hear about the four city slickers that died drinking milk?
The cow fell on them!
How many city slickers does it take to shingle a barn roof?
Depends on how thin you slice 'em!
Thank you for the laugh John!
A bird hunter accompanied by his faithful hunting dog came upon a likely looking field and received permission from the farmer to hunt the area.
He spent some amount of time working the acreage with his bird dog but failed to get any shooting or flush any birds.
On his way back to his truck he encountered another hunter from a nearby field. He walked over to hunter #2 and struck up a conversation with him. Suddenly his dog set up tight, pointed right at the other hunter.
"Well, that?s strange, this dog has never disappointed me in ten years of hunting. When he points a bird and you?d better be ready. Do you have a bird in your bag," he asked the second hunter?"
"No, I haven?t seen a thing." The 2nd hunter replied.
"Did you bring some fried chicken for lunch?"
"No", the second hunter replied.
"I just don?t understand, this dog has never lied to me. By the way my name is George Stevens, what?s yours?"
"Bob White".
This one is from Paul of Burley, ID. Thanks Paul!
Thieves who steal corn from the garden could be charged with STALKING.
*
When fish are in schools they sometimes take DEBATE
*
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Thank you Mike for your entries on Today's Chuckles!
TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS
The Dept of Defense briefed the president this morning.
They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq
To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'
This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.
YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF . . . . . .
YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
11. your cousin is president of the United States
Thank you AJ for your two jokes on Today's Chuckles.
A young cowboy from Prescott, AZ, walks into the White Café in Winslow, AZ. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, “If you ain’t gonna eat that, mind if I do?” The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler, and in his best cowboy manner says, “Nah, go ahead.” Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. The old cowboy quietly says, “Yep, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.' He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh . . . 'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
Thanks Annie- That's pretty funny stuff!
A cowboy from the Dakotas decided one cold icy snowy winter to go where it was warm. He decided on Australia and went when the Australian Open (tennis) was being held. He was sitting in the stands watching a match when a breathless attractive young lady took the seat next to him. She asked, "Whose game?" to which he replied, after looking her over, "I am."
TJ- Your jokes never fail to make us smile! Thank You.
The eastern lady who was all ready to take a
horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?"
"Shore,"said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady.
"The western saddle has horn on it," said the cowboy."
I came out here to get away from the city. If the traffic is so thick here on this ranch that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."
Wally
A lonesome rodeo cowboy told the cashier in a coffee shop that she reminded him of his 3rd wife.....She asked, "How many times have you been married?" To which he replied, "Twice."
Thanks a bunch TJ, your jokes are always funny!
See who your best friend is; put your wife and dog in the trunk of your car. After several hours, open the lid and see who is happy to see you!
Thanks Paul. Keep 'em coming!
In a rural area of Washington State one fine
spring day a farmer with about 500 acres of land,
had been out planting seeds for the year's
crops. At this moment he had pulled over near a
fence by the road, taking a much needed break.
Along came a rancher from Texas, on vacation,
who just happened to be driving by, saw the
farmer sitting on his tractor and thought he'd
stop for a chat.
The rancher engaged the farmer in
conversation and one thing led to another until
they got to a discussion on how big each of
their spreads were. The rancher from Texas,
who was very proud of all that he had amassed
and the size of his spread told the farmer, "My
place is so big, I get in my truck and it takes me
all day to get around it." The farmer pondered
that for a moment and replied, "Yep, I had me a
truck like that once."
Thank you David Smith for your entry in Today’s Chuckles
Peace at last!!!!!
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the:
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF)
These Southern boys will be dropped into Afghanistan and be given the following facts about the Taliban and terrorists:
1. The season opens today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
5. They are responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by Friday.
Post Your Comment
Re: TODAY'S CHUCKLE click here
On 07-Jun-10 05:26 PM TJ Wrote:
Then there was the dairy cow that stepped on her teat.....She was in "udder" dismay.
Re: TODAY'S CHUCKLE click here
On 21-Apr-10 10:03 AM Tom Baker Wrote:
Do you know how to made a small fortune in the AG BUSINESS ?..........Start with a large fortune!!!!
Re: TODAY'S CHUCKLE click here
On 09-Mar-10 01:04 PM TJ Wrote:
Trolling a joke for a hundred bucks,
Some get a groan, others get yucks.
It is a refreshing change,
When in from the range.
But cover your heads, here come the ducks.
Re: TODAY'S CHUCKLE click here
On 06-Mar-10 11:50 AM TJ Wrote:
Everyday, same time in the afternoon, a doctor went into a bar and ordered a daiquiri with an almond in it, so the bartender always had it ready when the doctor sat down....One day, the bartender found that he didn't have any almonds, so he put a hickory nut in the martini....The doctor came in and took a glance and complained to the bartender asking, "What's this?" Whereupon the bartender replied, "That's a hickory daiquiri doc."
Re: TODAY'S CHUCKLE click here
On 20-Feb-10 04:27 PM Jim Wrote:
What do a pigeon and a farmer with a bad crop have in common? A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new tractor!
Recent Reports from Today's Chuckle
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We also recommend:
Send us your favorite joke! We will select the best jokes and the winner will receive $100.00. The only thing we ask is to keep it clean! Send your joke to Joke@aginfo.net.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a rancher.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a farmer.
They all board the train. The ranchers take their respective seats but all three farmers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The ranchers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the conference the ranchers decide to copy the farmers on the return trip. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the farmers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed rancher.
"Watch and you'll see," answers a farmer.
When they board the train, the three ranchers cram into a restroom and the three farmers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the farmers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the ranchers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." Thanks Jenny
_________________
A certain gentelman passing through a farming community stops for lunch at the community diner. Upon being seated and waited on, he asks the waitress what the lunch special is. She replies " cow tongue." Surprised and disgusted the gentelman comments, " how can anyboby eat something that comes out of a cows mouth? " Patiently waiting while the gentelman thought about what to eat for lunch, she asks him, " if you don't want our cow tongue special, what would you like? He ponders for a moment and says, " uhm, no, I think I'll have an egg."
Amado...funny how people look at things.
Title: 10 REASONS WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A DOG
1) No one expects you to take a bath every day.
2) If it itches, you can scratch it.
3) There's no such thing as bad food.
4) A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours.
5) If your hair grows in weird places, no one notices.
6) You can lie around all day without worrying about being fired.
7) You don't get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap.
8) You're always excited to see the same people.
9) Having big feet is considered an asset.
10) Puppy love can last.
TJ, so thats why my Border Collie is always smiling!
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!"
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
Every Friday a group of farmers met for coffee and to discuss their various farm interest. Old Henry was a pessimist, and never saw any good in any situation. He always was a wet blanket, complaining about prices, insects, too much rain, not enough rain, skimpy crop, etc.
One year, everything was perfect. They were all having a happy time rejoicing about a perfect growing season, a bountiful harvest and great prices. They turned to Old Henry and said "you had a great season too. Nothing went wrong!
Old Henry sadly shook his head and said "Yeah, but a crop like that sure takes a lot out of the soil. Marilyn
A few months ago, President Obama received a report that there were over 100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . Because Colorado ranchers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, he ordered the Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the guards immediately.
Before the Interior Secretary could respond and presumably straighten him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that before any guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining. Rob
The 747 stops whining when it touches down in Honolulu. Chuck
Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer...
The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
Farmer Jones: Hey, did you hear about the farmer up Colfax way that died drinkin' milk?
Farmer Smith: Oh no, that's terrible.
Farmer Jones: Yeah, the cow fell on him!
Mike of Richland thanks for the joke!
~My uncle recently retired from farming. He said it was a harrowing experience. Then a truck hauling live chickens tipped over on the turnpike. Police suspect fowl play. Hank
A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM
COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE,
THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER
ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.
HE DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.
HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN,
30 GRANDCHILDREN,
45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,
AND
A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
1. If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
NATURAL
OFFSPRING
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around..
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
-- Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, He'll just shoot you.
He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere
And then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand again and is pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..
"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day.”
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My 7 year old grandson Bo told me this joke and I thought you might like it!
"What do you call a Bull who sleeps?"
A bulldozer !
Thank you Mary- Your grandson is a funny kid!
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A bird hunter accompanied by his faithful hunting dog came upon a likely looking field and received permission from the farmer to hunt the area.
He spent some amount of time working the acreage with his bird dog but failed to get any shooting or flush any birds.
On his way back to his truck he encountered another hunter from a nearby field. He walked over to hunter #2 and struck up a conversation with him. Suddenly his dog set up tight, pointed right at the other hunter.
"Well, that?s strange, this dog has never disappointed me in ten years of hunting. When he points a bird and you?d better be ready. Do you have a bird in your bag," he asked the second hunter?"
"No, I haven?t seen a thing." The 2nd hunter replied.
"Did you bring some fried chicken for lunch?"
"No", the second hunter replied.
"I just don?t understand, this dog has never lied to me. By the way my name is George Stevens, what?s yours?"
"Bob White".
This one is from Paul of Burley, ID. Thanks Paul!
Thieves who steal corn from the garden could be charged with STALKING.
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When fish are in schools they sometimes take DEBATE
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Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Thank you Mike for your entries on Today's Chuckles!
TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS
The Dept of Defense briefed the president this morning.
They told President Obama that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in
To everyone's surprise, he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.
Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'
This is not surprising, since he obviously has no understanding of billion or trillion either.
YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF . . . . . .
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
11. your cousin is president of the United States
horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?"
"Shore,"said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady.
"The western saddle has horn on it," said the cowboy."
I came out here to get away from the city. If the traffic is so thick here on this ranch that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."
Wally
Peace at last!!!!!
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On 07-Jun-10 05:26 PM TJ Wrote:
Then there was the dairy cow that stepped on her teat.....She was in "udder" dismay.
On 21-Apr-10 10:03 AM Tom Baker Wrote:
Do you know how to made a small fortune in the AG BUSINESS ?..........Start with a large fortune!!!!
On 09-Mar-10 01:04 PM TJ Wrote:
Trolling a joke for a hundred bucks, Some get a groan, others get yucks. It is a refreshing change, When in from the range. But cover your heads, here come the ducks.
On 06-Mar-10 11:50 AM TJ Wrote:
Everyday, same time in the afternoon, a doctor went into a bar and ordered a daiquiri with an almond in it, so the bartender always had it ready when the doctor sat down....One day, the bartender found that he didn't have any almonds, so he put a hickory nut in the martini....The doctor came in and took a glance and complained to the bartender asking, "What's this?" Whereupon the bartender replied, "That's a hickory daiquiri doc."
On 20-Feb-10 04:27 PM Jim Wrote:
What do a pigeon and a farmer with a bad crop have in common? A pigeon can still make a deposit on a new tractor!
On 29-Jul-10 12:06 PM TJ Wrote:
1) No one expects you to take a bath every day. 2) If it itches, you can scratch it. 3) There's no such thing as bad food. 4) A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours. 5) If your hair grows in weird places, no one notices. 6) You can lie around all day without worrying about being fired. 7) You don't get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's lap. 8) You're always excited to see the same people. 9) Having big feet is considered an asset. 10) Puppy love can last.